Sunday, March 22, 2015

Geekdom Madness 2015: Zerg Rush/Lab Rats

This week: Science Gone Horribly Wrong vs. Science Gone Horribly Right!

Let's meet the combatants:

MATCH 1: Zerg Rush


Bred by a mysterious race of bio-engineers to be the perfect weapon, Xenomorphs are unrivaled killing machines. They combine agility with durability and a...unique reproduction method. Once these things appear, your only option is to nuke the site from orbit.

* Adaptive DNA - they incubate within living victims and use the host's genetic material to develop forms suitable for their environment.
* Concentrated acid for blood.
* Sharp-spiked tail and a secondary set of jaws.

* Aversion to fire.
* Susceptible to military-grade firearms.
* No sign of sapient intelligence, though they're cleverer than the average predator.


When one feeds a Mogwai (a small furry creature of unknown origin) after midnight, it metamorphoses into these sinister little monsters. These creatures seem to only have two goals: Have fun, and break as many things as possible - living or inanimate.

* Multiply quickly when wet.
* Sharp teeth and claws.
* Innate engineering knowledge - at least enough to to the most damage.

* Afraid of bright lights, and literally melt in sunlight.
* Easily Distracted.
* Will even kill/maim each other when it amuses them.

MATCH 2: Lab Rats


A mild-mannered scientist who invented a teleportation device as a result of his chronic motion-sickness. However, the machine still has some bugs to work out when it comes to living things, including not being able to tell when two beings are in the pod at once and recombining them together on a molecular level. So when Seth drunkenly tests the pods on himself, he fails to notice a literal bug - a fly - sitting in the pod with him...

* Brilliant scientific mind.
* Post-Accident gains superhuman strength and wall-crawling abilities.
* Wonderful pianist.

* Awkward and prone to jealousy.
* Post-Accident he can't eat food without pre-digesting it (though digestive juices can be weaponized).
* The more the insect manifests itself, the more compassion and reason he loses - not to mention body parts.


Forensic scientist for the Navy Criminal Investigative Service headquarters and poster-child for perky goths, Abby is happier and more well-adjusted than most of her "normal" teammates in addition to being the best at what she does. Sleeps in a coffin and occasionally bowls with nuns.

* Extensive experience and skill at forensic investigation.
* Kind, compassionate, and able to lift anyone's spirits by just being herself.
* Owns a farting hippo plushie. Yes, that's a "pro" in my book.

* Requires constant caffeination in order to function - usually in the form of Big-Gulp-sized containers of a liquid known only as "Caf-Pow."
* Prone to nervous breakdowns when any of her friends and teammates are seriously injured.
* Rarely testifies in cases because of the dress-codes in most courtrooms.

Final Verdict
 I do need to remind people that this is more or less of a popularity contest and not a "who would win in a fight" type of thing - if it was, Xenomorphs would clearly obliterate the others in a fairly quick and gruesome manner. However, despite the first match being between two famous movie monsters, and the other being between a famous remake of a famous movie and one of the most popular shows on modern television, this feels like one of the more obscure and esoteric matches I've done for some reason. At any rate, I've been doing better at actually picking combatants that I'd be happy with whoever wins.

As always, make sure you're viewing the WEB version of the site and vote in the polls (remember, there are two now) on the right-hand side of the screen. Polls close Friday, and results posted on Saturday. Feel free to discuss your picks in the comments below.

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